In the worst moods thinking positive is a guge challenge to me. Today I was just crabby period then I received some bad news about my literary agent changing her mind about publishing my book. I was so upset that it ruined my whole day. At least I thought so.. I decided to think positive thoughts and breathe. I can find someone else for sure. Every author gets rejected from time to time.. time to move on!
No this isn't easy advise. I am not much to preach. There is no way to completely ignore and forget the past. It is a memory and it will stay with us as long as we can remember it. The point is, in order to move forward in life you cannot let the past consume you. If it interferes and causes problems then it is a good time to ask for help. You have to shift into drive and go wherever the road takes you..
Being divorced with kids involved and an angry ex is just a forever experience I have to deal with for many years to come.. it is almost a monthly event when my ex texts me telling me how he is so much better than me and how he will be raising the kids and I have no say. Yes he has custodial rights unfortunately. I would like to reverse that but it is expensive and it will take time. I have to be constantly told how I have no say over the kids when he decides on up and running across the country to a yet another job opportunity because he refuses to be stable. This is just a tidbit of my every conversation with them. I get called names, get told I just possibly couldn't care for the kids the same as he can.. which isn't true. I just have very slowly learned that if I let this become bothersome than he has won. It takes a lot of tongue biting and ignoring him to let it pass. Eventually I will prove him wrong but that also takes time..
Yes there are different situations out there and not everyone has to deal with a mean ex but everyone will run into that problem person they will have to deal with. Ya know, I used to get mad when my mom would say, just ignore them and they will stop. I never ignored them. I antagonized it and got upset and it has always made the situation so much worse...
I complain a lot and mostly to myself about how I always seem to have to work 10 times harder than everyone else to get the things I want in life. I sit back and see so many people get handed everything I want and some of them did not deserve it. After a lot of frustration I end up with one thought, this is a challenge. I have been challenged to be that much better, that much wiser, that much stronger and more focused. Then once I do get there it will be mind blowing!
I always say to keep moving forward and don't look back. There are things we must look back for though. A memory can be a very powerful comforter.
Both of my grandmas have passed away and I saw a quote with a picture of a bench on a beach that said, if you could sit on this bench with anyone from the past for an hour, who would it be? I instantly replied my grandmas. I really do miss them a lot. I haven't seen either of them in over 15 years. I still think about them a lot. I have some of my best memories as a child with them. I wish they were still here but that is life. All I have is a memory and I hang onto those as long as I can.
Who is your best memory of those you lost?
I wish people would just be real. I mean how hard is it? I may make some people upset or sound complaining here but it is very annoying to read someone's work or have someone talk to you and they sound so sweet and innocent and then the moment you don't kiss up to them they start calling you names, cursing you out.. then after all of that, they tell you to go find God. Clearly they are the ones that need help. I don't sugar coat. I am honest and I will call out the bullshit. I think you are lying, I will say something. I think you're acting immature and fake, I will say so. I am not gonna disguise myself or fake myself to do so. No, you will get ME.
The point of this is, just be real. If you lose a few followers, oh well. They only like the fake you. That is not cool. You cannot say you are Godly and a inspiration when you call people names, try and screw up their life and future because of jealousy, then turn around and act the victim. I doesn't work that way. Please folks, be true!
As a typical human we all think we have to be in everyone's business. I have to say, I used to be and in some cases still think I need to know everything about everyone. Over time I have found out some peoples secrets I wish I never knew about them. It has done nothing but make me worry and make me wonder. Some things on the other hand, although hurtful were important to learn.
I have also had the misfortune of hearing someone's secrets from another person that I am not sure on whether or not I can believe them.
The point is, sometimes it is good for someone to have secrets all of their own, sometimes it is good to find them out to help them, but you cannot always take another person's ideals into account until you know the truth. For the time being it is best to mind your own business.
As a co worker and I were discussing a situation that happened at work last week, and a situation that happened this morning, the subject of respect was the main topic. Last week a young intern lost a set of rental car keys which cost hundreds to replace. She didn't do it on purpose, it was a mistake in a moment of being overwhelmed. Another co worker was calling her stupid then others starting taking shots at her. That is disrespectful and wrong.
In this morning's incident I came into work to find that someone had gone into my office and took something they had been told not to do before. That is disrespectful. There are people who sit and talk very highly of their lifestyle, then are rude and interrupt others to tell them how they should live their life. In this case I mean religion. My husband and I were told we needed to attend church in order to be better people because they think we have mental issues. That was disrespectful and very much wrong of them. No person should ever use God and religion to make people feel beneath them. This person feels they are above us in many ways which is rude and more than antagonistic.
I don't understand why people feel the need to treat others so badly in order to talk themselves up. There is no right time to do this.
Many people these days are too afraid to let go. They don't know how to have fun or enjoy life. I have never been the, I have to have a strict day to day calender schedule. Even in my busy life I don't have to carry a planner or even use the calendar on my phone. I do have my serious times where I must buckle down and work, but for the most time I like to just go and run with it. I like to be spontaneous and adventurous. I have been know to over plan things out and it turns out exhausting and stressful. I have decided, no more over planning...I will do enough to not get overwhelmed with worry but not so much that I get freaked out if things get thrown off a little. I want to be free!
It took me nearly 2 years after my sober date to find peace with everything that happened to me in my past. It was hard and trying. It took the efforts of writing and becoming completely engulfed in my work and the want to help people. People constantly push me and accuse me, hurt me, and anything they can to make me quit. What they don't know is I have found joy in my work. They cannot stop me!
I get very frustrated very easily. I have had to re-teach myself over and over to just take a breath so I don't say anything I would regret. It definitely is hard in a world full of stress.
Today for example at work, I had to work at a different location but also keep up with my own office. I thought everything was fine until I came back to my office. The amount of work and people waiting for me then the demands from multiple people to do multiple things right away.. I started getting mad. I hadn't had my lunch break so I took it and went and laid in the tanning bed and took a breather. When I returned though, the workload was still there. I busted it out quickly then dealt with a different problem that turned out with a good laugh and a little bit of craziness. .the good kind. Plus it made time go by. Yay!
I have had the unfortunate mishap to have cyber met people who took the self love concept and turned themselves into egotistical monsters. It is really sad if you ask me. For one person to go from such self hate, to acceptance, then jumping into completely being obsessed with themselves. ..you just have to pity them. We as people are made to love, we are made to envy, we are made to hate.. but we should have never been made with the ability to become hopelessly in love with ourselves.
I have been called jealous, envious, a liar, a stalker, and so much more and this is by ONE person who has underwent being a depressed sad person, so a self obsessed attention sucker who is also a blogger on addiction. I only write this because I have been accused of faking accounts and stalking this person to talk mean about them. This never happened from me! This person is so self absorbed she can't possibly imagine that anyone in the world would disliked her blog other than ME. if I was truly that mean of a person I would out them publicly and ruin their literary future with exposure, but I am not that person. I have self love and kindness to others. I am NOT obsessed with myself enough to do such a thing. I just want the lies and the hatred, the self obsession to end.
My words of advise on this to everyone. .. don't treat people like they are beneath you. Don't assume everyone wants to be you. Just because maybe you do get attention and followers who glam you up doesn't mean you are incapable of being disliked. Don't let ignorance and misunderstanding of self love go to your head.
I definitely cannot say my life is easy. I don't walk around talking like my life is simply peachy and the world farts strawberries and unicorns. . No life has rough points, sometimes tidal waves. That is what makes life challenging. If you can't admit your faults and frustrations, then you will never get over them.
Jealousy. . Wow.. even the word is ugly. I hate the word. I think it represents greed, anger, rudeness. I have been TOLD I was jealous of someone that I am not, by that person themselves. Conceited people often tend to be the ones jealous. . I have learned that in time. They cover up the jealousy with accusations. Very rude and selfish of them. I don't appreciate it at all. It actually angers me.. but in this day I have to learn to let things go and balance my emotions. .not to let it interfere. It is such a sad place. Unfortunately jealousy has been fed to us. We are pushed to believe we should be a model, a trifecta in a world full of people just trying to walk by. It is crazy for anyone to think so harshly about anyone, to openly say, you are jealous of me.. No, I am not! I am a passionate, strong, courageous person who doesn't have the need to idolize because I am all I can be and I WILL grow and develop. I am me and that is all I need to be. I don't jeed to be you or anyone else and neither do you!
My past may have been troublesome but the one good thing that came from it is my life experiences. I travelled a lot. Working in the oil field, you tend to be on the move. I lived in 16 states and repeated about half of them 2-4 times each. I get antsy sitting around too long. My husband and I usually spend our weekends on the go.. whether it is just around Oklahoma or actually going somewhere far away, we love a good adventure. It is soothing for sure! To just go and not have to worry and pressure of everyday lingering. . An adventure is one of the best medicines...
Life can throw some twists and turns. Some are good and bad. Our lives seem like a never ending film and we are the directors. It is what kind of film you decide to make that determines if it will be a good or bad ending.
It is sad how much I used to lie. It started when I was little and I would steal toys from my friends. I would tell my mom I found them or they let me have it. I was a thief and then I lied about it. In Jr high and high school I so desperately wanted friends and to be liked that I made up random bullshit to impress people. Some bought it but some started bullying me because they knew I was lying. As an adult I lied often to my now ex husband. I would lie about how much money I spent on groceries so I could go shopping. . I lied about having job interviews so I could go meet up with my husband now.. I would lie about everything. This situation was different. I lied for freedom. I wasn't allowed to have friends unless he picked them, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere unless I took the kids, even if he was staying home.. I wasn't allowed to do anything unless he approved. . So there is different uses for lying. All lying is not right, especially if it is used to hurt someone. I used it for fun, then for friends, then for my sanity.. I don't HAVE to lie anymore. I have learned to operate without them. I spent so many years being called a liar that I feel guilty telling the truth sometimes but I am honest as I can possibly be and I feel so relieved!
As I have mentioned before, I started my life over at 29. I hear it often from the young 22 yr old new kids at work who are usually starting higher pay than me, why are you ONLY where you are now? It is embarrassing especially when they are management and I am not. Yeah it makes me mad and I want to find a new job often because I feel insecure about it.. the problem is, when I was 18 I didn't want to go to college. I wanted to go military but drugs and partying ruined that.. when I was in my early 20s I wanted to go to college then but drugs ruined that.. when I was 27 I went to college and made it through til the end of medical training where I would b making 8$ an hour more than I am now, but drugs ruined that too.. at 29 I became sober, I have a college degree that is basically useless and has got me no where but a low paying job I don't enjoy doing. I have plans to go back to school of course. . I just had to start late. Unfortunately it took me so long to figure it out..
Typical teen me thought I was the wisest of the herd. Ya I was wrong. So wrong in fact it got me landed in jail more times than I can remember. I had to learn sometime.. too bad even after all my jail time, I was still the "wisest" hen in the roost. I still thought I could party and be an idiot and get away with it. That went on until I had my first son at 21. I had to grow the heck up fast. I was still a partier and an even worse addict than ever. Now as a grown up ;) I am pretty wise.. I still screw up, I still don't always do what I know I shouldn't. .like go shopping when I am trying to save money or when I don't have it to blow.. that is my ignorance. Not one person is completely flawless and error free.. if they say they are, they are full of themselves. .
My husband asked me, what or who inspired you? I have never been aaked that surprisingly so I wasn't sure how to answer that. I think a lot of different thibgs inspired me. It depends on what. With drugs the inspiration to quit was myself.. sound selfish? Maybe but it is true. I did it for me. I knew something had to change within myself or I would never be happy in life..
What inspired me to write? Well.. I have always been the creative type and I can't draw so music and writing were always it. I was a musician through my teen years.. wish I would have kept doing it really. Drugs took that away.. not because I can't play anymore but I haven't in over 14 years.. I love to write.. I always had a great imagination to write fiction. . Non fiction is a little easier..
Whats my inspiration for my success? Well, my husband, he gave me the way out.. my kids.. they give me a reason to try harder in life. Inspiration is everywhere, you just have to want to find it.
